I don't know whether or not other mothers feel this way, but I can't shake off this overwhelming feeling of guilt. No one knows what causes autism, the current theory is part genetic with an environmental trigger.....I can't help but to stay awake for hours thinking of possible scenarios as to how autism came into our lives. I've examined my prenatal diet. I craved tuna and not just a couple cans a week, but an unusual amount of tuna while I was pregnant with him (high levels of mercury in tuna). There were days during my pregnancy that I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins. I was on depo provera for an extended period of time prior to conceiving Dimarco without knowing long term side effects (to date studies show a loss in bone density if used for an extended period of time). I fell twice when I was pregnant with him, once when i was walking to the mailbox (i was quick to turn my body and land on my lower back) and another time because my blood sugar levels were low and i fell to my knees while my vision began to darken just before dizziness kicked in.
I've picked fights with my husband trying to blame him so as to take away from the guilt I was feeling! Maybe my genes are bad. Maybe I chose the wrong person to be the father of my children because maybe his genes are bad!!! This sound so ridiculous when I'm typing it, but these are the thoughts that preoccupy me 24/7. I allowed Dimarco to suffer through 33 vaccines (mix of singles and cocktails)by age 2, without even giving it a second thought. Just after he turned 1, I went back to work full time leaving him with my parents and very little social interaction with other children his age. I nursed him for only 6 months, maybe I should have nursed him longer.
Its odd, I think that the guilt I'm feeling is the very thing that keeps me motivated to try anything and everything that may help him.
My ultimate goal is to provide him with a happy, healthy life! When I die and have to stand before God and answer the question...Do you have any regrets...I want to be able to answer with an open and honest heart, NO! I will do anything that doesn't harm Dimarco if I feel it will help. I will try anything at least once if it will not harm him, just so that I am able to sleep at night and know that I'm doing everything possible to help him. I want to be able to say that if i didn't know something I researched it. If someone said something worked to better the life of their ASD child, I tried it. I want to die knowing that I didn't leave any stone unturned in my journey of a life! When it comes right down to it, referring to Erikson's final stage of life (integrity vs despair) I choose integrity, no regrets!
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Tanny, I am sitting here...almost in tears for you. Not because your beautiful son is autistic, but because, as a mother, I can only imagine how painful these thoughts and feelings must be for you. I want to hug you! All I can say, is you are an amazing mother. That post is filled with nothing but concern, caring, and immeasurable love and devotion for your little boy. If this is his cross to bear in life, he couldn't be more blessed than to have you as his mother to walk along with him. I hope and pray you find some answers and make beautiful progress along the way. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.....
ReplyDeleteJulie (Whetstone)Treutlein.
Tanny I feel guilty when I am on computer because sink is full of dirty dishes, and Sebastian is plaiyng by himself, when I do the dishes and clean, Sebastian is still alone watching his videos, and I realize that he did not eat yet. When I cook I see the pile of bills, and think about what I can do to keep him at school, he still plays alone. At the end of the day I realize that we spend all day at home and did not even go for a walk, and that he played by himself most of the time, and I forgot to give him his supplements, and the house is still messy and I am tired. I do not even allow myself to think about immunizations, and fragmented family, or future etc. if I can. that is too difficult.
ReplyDeleteMaryna, your an amazing mom, you are MY inspiration. If only everyone had your passion and dedication!
ReplyDeleteWe need to forget about dishes...lets invest in paper plates and disposable cutlery ;) lol
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